1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM: COM 2 00:03:36,723 --> 00:03:39,809 - Colonel Sandurz! - What is it, Sergeant Ricco? 3 00:03:42,061 --> 00:03:45,982 You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir. 4 00:03:46,107 --> 00:03:48,651 - So? - Planet Druidia's in sight, sir. 5 00:03:49,611 --> 00:03:51,654 You're really a Spaceball. 6 00:03:51,779 --> 00:03:54,407 - You know that, don't you? - Thanks, sir. 7 00:03:54,532 --> 00:03:57,994 - Have you notified Lord Helmet? - Yes, sir. He's on his way. 8 00:03:58,119 --> 00:04:00,163 Make way for Dark Helmet. 9 00:04:00,288 --> 00:04:03,374 All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet. 10 00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:54,509 I can't breathe in this thing! 11 00:04:55,510 --> 00:04:58,179 - We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir. - Good. 12 00:04:58,763 --> 00:05:01,724 I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob. 13 00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:04,894 I already called him, sir. He knows everything. 14 00:05:06,938 --> 00:05:08,356 What? 15 00:05:08,481 --> 00:05:10,859 You went over my helmet? 16 00:05:10,984 --> 00:05:13,820 Not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-m-more to the side. 17 00:05:13,945 --> 00:05:17,657 I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever! 18 00:05:19,492 --> 00:05:21,327 Oh, shit! 19 00:05:21,452 --> 00:05:23,496 No, no, no, no! No, no! 20 00:05:23,621 --> 00:05:26,875 Please, please, please! No, no, not that! 21 00:05:28,334 --> 00:05:30,170 Yes, that. 22 00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:51,024 - Sandurz! - Sir? 23 00:05:51,149 --> 00:05:53,359 I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it? 24 00:05:53,484 --> 00:05:57,405 We have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you? 25 00:05:57,530 --> 00:06:00,241 - Nah, I'll do it myself. - Very good, sir. 26 00:06:04,162 --> 00:06:07,832 What's the matter with this thing? You call that a radar screen? 27 00:06:07,957 --> 00:06:10,502 No, sir. We call it... Mr Coffee. 28 00:06:11,211 --> 00:06:13,254 Care for some? 29 00:06:13,379 --> 00:06:14,839 Yes! 30 00:06:14,964 --> 00:06:17,842 - I always have coffee when I watch radar. - Of course. 31 00:06:17,967 --> 00:06:20,762 - Everybody knows that. - Of course we do, sir. 32 00:06:22,639 --> 00:06:26,142 Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. 33 00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:28,102 Where is it? 34 00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:31,147 - Right here, sir. - Switch to teleview. 35 00:06:32,357 --> 00:06:34,609 There it is. Planet Druidia. 36 00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:37,862 And under the air shield 10,000 years of fresh air. 37 00:06:38,488 --> 00:06:40,949 - We must get through the shield. - We will, sir. 38 00:06:41,074 --> 00:06:46,496 Once we kidnap the princess, her father'll give us the combination to the air shield, 39 00:06:46,621 --> 00:06:50,875 thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball. 40 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,044 Everybody got that? 41 00:06:53,545 --> 00:06:57,131 - Good. When will the princess marry? - Within the hour, sir. 42 00:06:57,257 --> 00:07:01,886 Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, cos it's gonna be a short honeymoon. 43 00:07:09,602 --> 00:07:12,772 Hot! Too hot! 44 00:07:28,705 --> 00:07:32,041 Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. 45 00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:34,210 - Everyone ready? - Yes, Your Majesty. 46 00:07:34,335 --> 00:07:38,173 - No. Where's my droid of honour? - Oh, dear, yes! Where's Dot? 47 00:07:38,298 --> 00:07:39,716 Dot! 48 00:07:39,841 --> 00:07:41,885 Dot Matrix! 49 00:07:42,010 --> 00:07:44,053 Oh, thank God. 50 00:07:44,554 --> 00:07:46,598 - Where have you been? - Here I am. 51 00:07:46,723 --> 00:07:48,808 Sorry. I had to make a pit stop. 52 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:51,644 I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil. 53 00:07:51,769 --> 00:07:54,647 All right, people. It's magic time. 54 00:07:54,772 --> 00:07:57,400 Right, everyone starting on the left foot. 55 00:07:57,525 --> 00:08:00,737 - Daddy, that's your right foot. - It's too late. Keep going. 56 00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:16,377 Daddy? 57 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:21,382 - Must I go through with this? - I'm sorry, my dear. You have to. 58 00:08:31,184 --> 00:08:33,228 But, Daddy? 59 00:08:34,103 --> 00:08:35,939 I don't love him. 60 00:08:36,064 --> 00:08:39,484 I'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince left in the galaxy. 61 00:08:50,161 --> 00:08:55,124 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion 62 00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:59,337 to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland, 63 00:08:59,462 --> 00:09:03,842 going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door! 64 00:09:04,175 --> 00:09:07,345 Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her! 65 00:09:08,012 --> 00:09:10,807 Hey, wait! You forgot to get married. 66 00:09:10,932 --> 00:09:12,684 Will you stop? 67 00:09:12,809 --> 00:09:16,813 - What are you doing? - No questions, Dot. Get in! 68 00:09:26,990 --> 00:09:29,784 Where is she going? Where is she going? 69 00:09:34,038 --> 00:09:36,124 Come ba... 70 00:09:36,249 --> 00:09:37,667 ck! 71 00:10:34,974 --> 00:10:37,018 Barf... 72 00:10:39,521 --> 00:10:41,564 Barf. 73 00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:44,817 Ba-arf! 74 00:10:45,902 --> 00:10:47,111 Huh? 75 00:10:51,157 --> 00:10:54,077 - Barf? - Always when I'm eating. 76 00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:01,584 Barf! 77 00:11:03,503 --> 00:11:05,547 - What can I do you for? - Where you been? 78 00:11:05,672 --> 00:11:08,049 - Grabbin' a snack. Want some? - No. 79 00:11:08,174 --> 00:11:11,386 - Little hair of the dog? - No! Listen, answer that for me. 80 00:11:11,511 --> 00:11:13,555 - Will you watch that? - Oh, sorry. 81 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:17,517 I'll just throw on your audio. That way they won't see you. 82 00:11:17,642 --> 00:11:21,187 - Y'hello! - Hello, Lone Starr. 83 00:11:21,312 --> 00:11:22,939 Sorry, wrong switch. 84 00:11:23,064 --> 00:11:25,400 Hello, Vinnie. What do you want? 85 00:11:25,525 --> 00:11:29,279 No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. 86 00:11:29,404 --> 00:11:32,365 It's what he wants. 87 00:11:34,951 --> 00:11:37,620 Pizza The Hutt! 88 00:11:37,745 --> 00:11:40,832 Well, if it isn't Lone Starr 89 00:11:40,957 --> 00:11:43,626 and his sidekick, Puke. 90 00:11:44,169 --> 00:11:48,089 - That's Barf. - Barf, Puke, whatever! 91 00:11:48,715 --> 00:11:52,969 - Where's my money? - Don't worry. You'll have it by next week. 92 00:11:53,094 --> 00:11:55,680 No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow. 93 00:11:56,306 --> 00:11:59,392 A hundred thousand space bucks... by tomorrow? 94 00:11:59,517 --> 00:12:01,561 A hundred thousand? 95 00:12:02,061 --> 00:12:05,273 No way! You forgot late charges, 96 00:12:05,398 --> 00:12:09,402 which brings it up to, uh... one million space bucks. 97 00:12:09,527 --> 00:12:12,906 A million? That's unfair. 98 00:12:13,031 --> 00:12:15,200 Unfair to the pay-or, 99 00:12:15,325 --> 00:12:17,452 but not to the pay-ee. 100 00:12:20,163 --> 00:12:22,457 But you're gonna pay it 101 00:12:22,582 --> 00:12:24,209 or else. 102 00:12:25,168 --> 00:12:28,671 - Or else what? - Tell him, Vinnie. 103 00:12:30,798 --> 00:12:32,842 Or else Pizza 104 00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:35,678 is gonna send out for you. 105 00:12:42,894 --> 00:12:44,521 You're delicious. 106 00:12:44,646 --> 00:12:46,689 Ciao, boys. 107 00:13:10,672 --> 00:13:12,715 Can we talk? 108 00:13:12,841 --> 00:13:15,885 OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. 109 00:13:16,010 --> 00:13:20,431 But you could've married him for your father, then had a headache for 25 years. 110 00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:25,395 Will you turn that thing off? 111 00:13:28,648 --> 00:13:30,483 What? 112 00:13:30,817 --> 00:13:32,652 What is it? 113 00:13:32,777 --> 00:13:36,072 I was saying, do you realise what you've done? 114 00:13:36,197 --> 00:13:38,449 Yes! And I'm glad. 115 00:13:38,575 --> 00:13:41,661 Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. 116 00:13:43,371 --> 00:13:45,373 I wonder if she's glad. 117 00:13:53,256 --> 00:13:55,300 Don't be ridiculous! 118 00:13:55,425 --> 00:13:59,596 As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers 119 00:13:59,721 --> 00:14:03,474 that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. 120 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,978 Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumour myself. 121 00:14:07,103 --> 00:14:11,274 Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Yes, bye. 122 00:14:12,317 --> 00:14:14,360 Shithead! 123 00:14:29,959 --> 00:14:32,295 President Skroob? 124 00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:33,630 Yes? 125 00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:37,133 This is Central Control. Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir. 126 00:14:37,258 --> 00:14:38,676 What is it? 127 00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:42,388 Lord Helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight. 128 00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:45,808 - And Spaceball One is closing in on her. - Good, good. 129 00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:49,896 We have both ships coming up on the Teledar, sir, if you wish to observe. 130 00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:54,692 - I'll be down immediately. - Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir? 131 00:14:54,817 --> 00:14:57,695 I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? 132 00:14:57,820 --> 00:15:01,449 Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. 133 00:15:01,574 --> 00:15:03,993 It was wonderful. 134 00:15:04,118 --> 00:15:08,081 All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on "Star Trek". 135 00:15:12,502 --> 00:15:14,337 Snotty! 136 00:15:14,462 --> 00:15:17,549 - Beam him down. - Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. 137 00:15:30,728 --> 00:15:33,189 Great beasties! His head! 138 00:15:33,314 --> 00:15:37,485 - It's on backwards! - Well, this is terrible! Do something! 139 00:15:37,610 --> 00:15:42,073 I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro-converter malfunction. 140 00:15:43,324 --> 00:15:46,286 Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big? 141 00:15:48,997 --> 00:15:52,083 Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam. 142 00:15:52,208 --> 00:15:54,460 Could be the interlocking system. 143 00:15:58,381 --> 00:16:00,675 Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. 144 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,218 Loch Lomond. 145 00:16:13,104 --> 00:16:15,315 Are you all right, Mr President? 146 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,483 Fine, fine, no thanks to you. 147 00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:21,654 - We'll beam you back, sir. - Forget it, forget it. No more beaming. 148 00:16:21,779 --> 00:16:23,823 This time I'm gonna walk! 149 00:16:27,452 --> 00:16:29,746 President Skroob! Salute! 150 00:16:29,871 --> 00:16:32,290 Hail, Skroob! 151 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:37,003 - Hello, President Skroob. - Oh, uh... 152 00:16:37,128 --> 00:16:39,631 - Hello, Charlene. - I'm Marlene! 153 00:16:39,756 --> 00:16:42,467 - Hello, Marlene. - I'm Charlene! 154 00:16:42,592 --> 00:16:44,719 Chew your gum. 155 00:16:44,844 --> 00:16:47,430 - Where's the princess? - Right there, sir. 156 00:16:47,555 --> 00:16:52,268 To the left, approaching Spaceball One at 1500 light leagues per minute. 157 00:16:52,393 --> 00:16:55,063 Good, good! She's almost in our grasp. 158 00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:58,274 Tell Dark Helmet he must take the princess alive. 159 00:17:05,448 --> 00:17:08,201 Princess Vespa's spaceship within range. 160 00:17:08,326 --> 00:17:12,914 Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose. 161 00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:16,793 What's going on? 162 00:17:16,918 --> 00:17:20,839 It's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us! 163 00:17:23,716 --> 00:17:26,761 Hey, I don't have to put up with this. 164 00:17:26,886 --> 00:17:28,930 I'm rich. 165 00:17:29,472 --> 00:17:32,308 - What are you doing? - I'm calling my father. 166 00:17:32,725 --> 00:17:35,770 1- 800- DRUIDIA: 167 00:17:38,606 --> 00:17:42,318 Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! 168 00:17:42,902 --> 00:17:45,196 Sorry, sir. Doing my best. 169 00:17:45,989 --> 00:17:48,616 - Who made that man a gunner? - I did, sir. 170 00:17:48,741 --> 00:17:50,535 He's my cousin. 171 00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:52,912 - Who is he? - He's an Asshole, sir. 172 00:17:53,037 --> 00:17:58,001 - I know that! What's his name? - That is his name, sir. Major Asshole. 173 00:17:58,126 --> 00:18:01,963 - And his cousin? - An Asshole, too. Gunner Phillip Asshole. 174 00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:04,716 How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow? 175 00:18:04,841 --> 00:18:06,885 Yo! 176 00:18:09,095 --> 00:18:11,598 I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. 177 00:18:13,433 --> 00:18:15,727 Keep firing, Assholes! 178 00:18:17,604 --> 00:18:19,647 Hurry, Daddy! Hurry! 179 00:18:19,772 --> 00:18:22,066 There are laser blasts all around us! 180 00:18:22,192 --> 00:18:24,068 I'm scared. 181 00:18:25,111 --> 00:18:29,782 King Roland to Lone Starr! King Roland to Lone Starr! Are you there? 182 00:18:30,074 --> 00:18:35,121 Lone Starr, you've got to help me. My daughter's being attacked by Spaceballs. 183 00:18:35,246 --> 00:18:37,707 Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. 184 00:18:37,832 --> 00:18:41,628 Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list. 185 00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:44,797 Look, Your Highness, it's not that we're afraid. 186 00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:48,635 It's just that we've got this thing about death. It's not us. 187 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,180 You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything! 188 00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:54,349 Did you hear me? Anything! 189 00:18:55,016 --> 00:18:57,435 - Anything? - Yes, anything! 190 00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:03,274 - OK, we'll do it for... a million. - A million! 191 00:19:03,399 --> 00:19:06,152 Oh, you're starting to fade, Your Highness. 192 00:19:06,277 --> 00:19:09,155 All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her. 193 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,658 All right, King. You just made a deal. 194 00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,244 One princess for one million space bucks. 195 00:19:14,369 --> 00:19:17,664 - What's she driving? - A brand-new white Mercedes 2001 196 00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:21,334 SEL limited edition. Moonroof, all-leather interior. 197 00:19:21,459 --> 00:19:23,711 I got it at a good price. I paid cash. 198 00:19:23,837 --> 00:19:27,173 My cousin Prince Murray has a dealership. He was very nice to me. 199 00:19:27,298 --> 00:19:29,884 We get the idea. Where was she last seen? 200 00:19:30,009 --> 00:19:33,221 - She was just passing Jupiter Two. - We'll find her. 201 00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:35,390 Please, bring her back safely! 202 00:19:36,432 --> 00:19:39,853 And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. 203 00:19:41,938 --> 00:19:44,816 One million space bucks! We can pay off Pizza! 204 00:19:44,941 --> 00:19:46,568 Gimme paw! 205 00:19:53,533 --> 00:19:55,577 What's happening? 206 00:19:56,536 --> 00:19:58,788 What's that glow? 207 00:19:58,913 --> 00:20:02,041 - We're not moving. - Oh, we're moving all right. 208 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:04,210 Backwards! 209 00:20:08,631 --> 00:20:10,842 There's our princess. She's got company. 210 00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:15,013 Oh, no. Spaceballs. And they've got her in their magnetic beam. 211 00:20:15,138 --> 00:20:18,183 Oh, well, we're too late. I'll just reverse and we'll go. 212 00:20:18,308 --> 00:20:20,727 Barf! No. Bad. 213 00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:24,647 Why are we risking our lives for a princess? I know we need money... 214 00:20:24,772 --> 00:20:27,859 Listen! We're not just doing this for money. 215 00:20:30,153 --> 00:20:33,114 We're doing it for a shitload of money! 216 00:20:33,239 --> 00:20:36,159 Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. 217 00:20:36,284 --> 00:20:37,911 And you're always right. 218 00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:41,956 OK, we save her, but how? They're gonna spot us on their radar. 219 00:20:42,081 --> 00:20:43,082 - Uh-uh. - Uh-huh. 220 00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,209 - Uh-uh. - Uh-huh. 221 00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:46,628 Uh-uh, not if we jam it. 222 00:20:46,753 --> 00:20:48,630 Aha! You're right. 223 00:20:48,755 --> 00:20:51,007 - Down scope! - Down scope. 224 00:20:57,096 --> 00:21:00,183 Radar about to be 225 00:21:00,308 --> 00:21:01,726 jammed. 226 00:21:23,331 --> 00:21:25,750 Sh... 227 00:21:25,875 --> 00:21:27,502 it! 228 00:21:33,007 --> 00:21:34,425 Sir? 229 00:21:34,551 --> 00:21:38,555 - What is it? - Can I talk to you for a moment, sir? 230 00:21:41,891 --> 00:21:44,143 - Well? - Trouble with the radar, sir 231 00:21:44,269 --> 00:21:46,604 You don't need that, Private. What is it? 232 00:21:46,729 --> 00:21:49,315 Trouble with the radar, sir 233 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,609 - What is it? - Trouble with the radar. 234 00:21:51,734 --> 00:21:54,696 - What's wrong? - I've lost the bleeps, sweeps and creeps. 235 00:21:54,821 --> 00:21:55,947 - The what? - The what? 236 00:21:56,072 --> 00:21:58,116 You know. The bleeps: 237 00:22:00,743 --> 00:22:02,787 The sweeps: 238 00:22:04,372 --> 00:22:06,416 And the creeps: 239 00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:09,669 That's not all he's lost. 240 00:22:09,794 --> 00:22:16,176 Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be... jammed! 241 00:22:17,051 --> 00:22:19,095 Jammed. 242 00:22:22,265 --> 00:22:24,559 Raspberry. 243 00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:30,064 There is only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. 244 00:22:31,149 --> 00:22:33,193 Lone Starr! 245 00:23:01,054 --> 00:23:04,849 - What was that? - Never mind that. What was that? 246 00:23:06,893 --> 00:23:08,311 Hi. 247 00:23:08,436 --> 00:23:10,772 - Who are you? - Barf. 248 00:23:10,897 --> 00:23:13,149 Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes. 249 00:23:13,274 --> 00:23:15,485 No, that's my name. Barf. 250 00:23:15,610 --> 00:23:18,071 Barf? What are you? 251 00:23:18,196 --> 00:23:23,243 I'm a mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend. 252 00:23:23,368 --> 00:23:24,786 What do you want? 253 00:23:24,911 --> 00:23:28,540 Your father hired Lone Starr and me to save you. We gotta go. 254 00:23:28,665 --> 00:23:32,752 - Good. Quick. Hurry. Follow the dog. - Mog. I'm a mog. 255 00:23:32,877 --> 00:23:35,129 Wait. What about my matched luggage? 256 00:23:40,802 --> 00:23:43,096 Hey, stop looking up my can. 257 00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:45,056 Sorry. 258 00:23:53,273 --> 00:23:55,108 Checking in? 259 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:57,360 What the hell is all that? 260 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,073 Her Royal Highness's matched luggage! 261 00:24:02,198 --> 00:24:03,825 What? 262 00:24:03,950 --> 00:24:06,327 Her Royal Highness's matched luggage. 263 00:24:06,828 --> 00:24:11,416 Oh, matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is, a Princess Cruise? 264 00:24:12,125 --> 00:24:15,753 - Well, she wouldn't go without it. - Oh, yeah? 265 00:24:19,299 --> 00:24:23,219 Now hear this! The minute we get outta here the first thing we do is 266 00:24:23,344 --> 00:24:25,388 dump the matched luggage! 267 00:24:26,306 --> 00:24:28,349 Who was that? 268 00:24:28,725 --> 00:24:31,603 Now you hear this, whoever you are. 269 00:24:31,728 --> 00:24:34,189 You will not touch that luggage 270 00:24:34,314 --> 00:24:37,066 And, furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. 271 00:24:37,192 --> 00:24:40,445 I will not be rescued in such filth. 272 00:24:40,570 --> 00:24:43,948 Listen! On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. 273 00:24:44,073 --> 00:24:46,826 This is my dreamboat, sweetheart 274 00:24:46,951 --> 00:24:49,662 - Sweetheart? - Uh-oh. 275 00:24:50,580 --> 00:24:52,916 How dare you speak to me that way! 276 00:24:53,041 --> 00:24:56,294 You will address me as "Your Royal Highness" 277 00:24:56,419 --> 00:25:02,300 I am Princess Vespa. Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids. 278 00:25:04,552 --> 00:25:06,596 That's all we needed. 279 00:25:06,721 --> 00:25:09,182 A Druish princess. 280 00:25:11,518 --> 00:25:13,978 Funny, she doesn't look Druish. 281 00:25:50,849 --> 00:25:54,978 Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. 282 00:25:55,311 --> 00:25:56,729 Hold it! 283 00:25:56,855 --> 00:25:59,315 I'll handle this personally. 284 00:26:00,441 --> 00:26:02,485 Jawohl, Lord Helmet. 285 00:26:05,613 --> 00:26:07,699 So, Princess Vespa, 286 00:26:07,824 --> 00:26:11,494 you thought you could outwit the imperial forces of Planet Spaceball. 287 00:26:12,203 --> 00:26:14,289 Well, you were wrong. 288 00:26:14,414 --> 00:26:19,169 You are now our prisoner. And you will be held hostage until such time... 289 00:26:19,294 --> 00:26:25,091 as all of the air is transferred from your planet... to ours. 290 00:26:33,474 --> 00:26:35,727 She's not in there! 291 00:26:36,561 --> 00:26:41,107 Radar repaired, sir We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago. 292 00:26:41,232 --> 00:26:43,067 Winnebago? 293 00:26:43,193 --> 00:26:45,236 Lone Starr. 294 00:26:46,237 --> 00:26:48,281 Lone Starr... 295 00:26:53,411 --> 00:26:58,082 - Uh-oh, here comes the Badyear blimp. - We'd better get outta here in a hurry. 296 00:26:58,208 --> 00:27:01,794 - Switch to secret hyper jets. - Switching to secret hyper jets. 297 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:05,632 Buckle up back there, we're going into... hyperactive. 298 00:27:13,014 --> 00:27:16,476 We're closing in on them, sir. Soon Lone Starr will be ours. 299 00:27:16,601 --> 00:27:19,229 Good. Prepare to attack. 300 00:27:19,354 --> 00:27:20,772 Prepare to attack! 301 00:27:20,897 --> 00:27:23,316 On the count of three. 302 00:27:23,441 --> 00:27:25,109 One 303 00:27:25,235 --> 00:27:29,864 two... late! What happened? Where are they? 304 00:27:29,989 --> 00:27:32,408 I don't know, sir. They must have hyper jets. 305 00:27:32,534 --> 00:27:35,578 - And what have we got? A Cuisinart? - No, sir. 306 00:27:35,703 --> 00:27:37,956 - Well, find them! Catch them! - Yes, sir! 307 00:27:38,081 --> 00:27:41,459 - Prepare ship for light speed. - No, no, light speed is too slow. 308 00:27:41,584 --> 00:27:44,838 - Light speed too slow? - Yes. We're gonna have to go right to... 309 00:27:44,963 --> 00:27:47,882 - Ludicrous speed. - Ludicrous speed? 310 00:27:48,007 --> 00:27:51,052 We've never gone that fast. Maybe the ship can't take it. 311 00:27:51,177 --> 00:27:54,472 What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken? 312 00:27:56,057 --> 00:27:58,351 Prepare ship... 313 00:27:58,476 --> 00:28:01,271 Prepare ship for ludicrous speed. 314 00:28:01,396 --> 00:28:04,524 Fasten all seat belts. Seal all entrances and exits. 315 00:28:04,649 --> 00:28:08,236 Close all shops in the mall. Cancel the three-ring circus. 316 00:28:08,361 --> 00:28:13,032 - Secure all animals in the zoo... - Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! 317 00:28:13,908 --> 00:28:17,120 Now hear this. Ludicrous speed! 318 00:28:17,245 --> 00:28:20,123 - Sir, hadn't you better buckle up? - Oh, buckle this! 319 00:28:20,248 --> 00:28:22,917 Ludicrous speed! Go! 320 00:28:45,982 --> 00:28:48,568 What have I done? 321 00:28:49,819 --> 00:28:54,157 My brains... are going into my feet. 322 00:29:05,543 --> 00:29:07,795 What the hell was that? 323 00:29:08,338 --> 00:29:10,381 Spaceball One. 324 00:29:11,090 --> 00:29:13,343 They've gone to plaid! 325 00:29:15,178 --> 00:29:18,681 We passed them! Stop this thing! 326 00:29:19,182 --> 00:29:21,809 We can't stop. It's too dangerous. 327 00:29:21,935 --> 00:29:24,062 We've got to slow down first. 328 00:29:24,854 --> 00:29:26,272 Bullshit! 329 00:29:26,397 --> 00:29:29,734 Just stop this thing! I order you! 330 00:29:29,859 --> 00:29:32,695 Stop! 331 00:29:47,669 --> 00:29:50,129 Here, sir, here. Let me help you, sir. 332 00:29:52,173 --> 00:29:55,510 - Are you all right, sir? - Fine. How have you been? 333 00:29:55,635 --> 00:29:57,262 - Fine, sir. - Good. 334 00:29:57,387 --> 00:29:59,848 - Good thing you were wearing a helmet. - Yeah. 335 00:29:59,973 --> 00:30:02,016 What shall we do now, sir? 336 00:30:02,141 --> 00:30:05,186 - Well... Are we stopped? - We're stopped, sir. 337 00:30:05,311 --> 00:30:07,355 Good. 338 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:11,109 - Why don't we take a five-minute break? - Very good, sir. 339 00:30:11,734 --> 00:30:13,778 Smoke if you got 'em. 340 00:30:16,739 --> 00:30:20,743 - Take her out of hyperactive. - Takin' her out of hyperactive. 341 00:30:22,996 --> 00:30:26,583 Congrats, boss. We did it. They must've overshot us by a week. 342 00:30:26,708 --> 00:30:30,628 - OK. Set a course for Druidia. - Setting a course for Drui-I-I-I... 343 00:30:30,753 --> 00:30:33,298 - What's that? - I don't know. We're losin' power. 344 00:30:33,423 --> 00:30:35,466 We're out of gas! 345 00:30:35,592 --> 00:30:39,179 - Must have burned it up in hyper. - Should've put more than $5 worth in! 346 00:30:39,304 --> 00:30:43,057 OK, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for an emergency landing. 347 00:30:43,183 --> 00:30:46,853 - Quick, give me a reading. - "Our Father, who art in heaven..." 348 00:30:46,978 --> 00:30:48,605 Stop that! 349 00:30:48,855 --> 00:30:51,566 Keep your seat belts on. You OK, Princess? 350 00:30:54,027 --> 00:30:57,071 No, you idiot! Where'd you learn how to fly? 351 00:30:57,197 --> 00:30:59,532 OK, Eagle Five coming in. 352 00:31:20,887 --> 00:31:23,765 Go left. Right! I mean right! Whoa! 353 00:31:35,568 --> 00:31:39,823 - Where are you going? - I am going to tell him off once and for all. 354 00:31:40,573 --> 00:31:43,660 W-w-w-wait! We'll need him to get us out of here. 355 00:31:43,785 --> 00:31:48,456 Called me an idiot? I'm goin' back there and explain a few things to her. 356 00:31:48,581 --> 00:31:52,293 Besides, he's got a sexy voice. He might be cute. 357 00:31:53,169 --> 00:31:57,340 - You haven't seen what she looks like. - I have. All princesses look the same. 358 00:31:57,465 --> 00:32:00,802 Cute! I know these space bums. They're all alike. 359 00:32:00,927 --> 00:32:03,680 - Fat, ugly, - Bucktoothed, knock-kneed, 360 00:32:03,805 --> 00:32:07,016 - beer-swilling pigs. - Horse-faced space dogs. 361 00:32:07,141 --> 00:32:10,228 Normally I'd... Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark. 362 00:32:10,854 --> 00:32:12,564 Now, listen, you... 363 00:32:14,357 --> 00:32:19,571 You listen. On this ship you're to refer to me as "idiot", not "you Captain". 364 00:32:19,696 --> 00:32:23,283 - I mean... You know what I mean. - And you will not call me "you". 365 00:32:23,491 --> 00:32:25,910 You will never address me as "you". 366 00:32:26,035 --> 00:32:28,663 You will call me "Your Royal Highness"! 367 00:32:28,788 --> 00:32:31,249 You are a royal pain in the... 368 00:32:31,374 --> 00:32:33,418 - Whoa! Hold it. Time. - What? 369 00:32:33,543 --> 00:32:37,714 May I make a suggestion? Any minute the Spaceballs will make a U-turn, 370 00:32:37,839 --> 00:32:40,133 head back this way and make us all dead. 371 00:32:40,258 --> 00:32:42,093 He's right. Let's go. 372 00:32:42,218 --> 00:32:44,304 Wait. My things. 373 00:32:44,429 --> 00:32:47,015 Now, listen, you royal... 374 00:32:47,140 --> 00:32:48,558 Highness. 375 00:32:48,683 --> 00:32:52,228 Take only what you need to survive. 376 00:33:12,707 --> 00:33:16,836 Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears. 377 00:33:19,589 --> 00:33:22,467 Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything. 378 00:33:27,305 --> 00:33:31,476 All right, wait a minute, Barf. Put it down. 379 00:33:31,893 --> 00:33:34,354 - What the hell's in this thing? - I dunno. 380 00:33:38,525 --> 00:33:42,779 What's this? I said take only what you need to survive. 381 00:33:43,196 --> 00:33:45,657 It's my industrial-strength hair dryer. 382 00:33:45,782 --> 00:33:48,201 And I can't live without it! 383 00:33:49,452 --> 00:33:53,915 OK, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over. 384 00:33:54,207 --> 00:33:56,459 Welcome to real life. 385 00:33:56,584 --> 00:34:00,505 You want this hot-air machine, you carry it. 386 00:34:00,797 --> 00:34:02,632 You pick that up. 387 00:34:03,466 --> 00:34:05,593 You pick that up. 388 00:34:05,718 --> 00:34:08,930 How dare you, you insolent peasant! 389 00:34:09,055 --> 00:34:12,141 Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody! 390 00:34:12,267 --> 00:34:13,893 Nobody! 391 00:34:14,018 --> 00:34:17,105 Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her? 392 00:34:17,605 --> 00:34:21,359 Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. 393 00:34:21,484 --> 00:34:23,736 You know something, Princess? 394 00:34:23,862 --> 00:34:26,322 You are ugly when you're angry. 395 00:34:26,447 --> 00:34:28,575 - Uh-oh. - That's it. 396 00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:31,911 - You and your dog are... - Please, please, 397 00:34:32,036 --> 00:34:34,330 total humans, droids, if I may. 398 00:34:34,455 --> 00:34:37,709 It'll be dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp. 399 00:34:37,834 --> 00:34:39,878 Come, darling. 400 00:34:45,675 --> 00:34:50,096 - See? It's lighter. - Oh, yeah. This is the best. 401 00:34:51,431 --> 00:34:54,100 I could have carried two or three of these. 402 00:34:56,019 --> 00:34:58,062 Have you found them yet? 403 00:34:58,188 --> 00:35:00,815 No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanner. 404 00:35:00,940 --> 00:35:02,984 Well, keep looking for them. 405 00:35:12,202 --> 00:35:14,454 Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. 406 00:35:14,746 --> 00:35:18,500 Corporal, get me the video cassette of "Spaceballs: The Movie". 407 00:35:18,625 --> 00:35:20,668 Yes, sir. 408 00:35:23,046 --> 00:35:26,382 "The Producers", "Blazing Saddles", "Young Frankenstein"... 409 00:35:26,591 --> 00:35:30,220 - Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you? - Yes, sir. 410 00:35:30,345 --> 00:35:33,848 How can there be a cassette of the movie? We're still making it! 411 00:35:33,973 --> 00:35:37,602 True, sir. But there's been a breakthrough in home-video marketing. 412 00:35:37,727 --> 00:35:40,355 - There has? - Yes. Instant cassettes. 413 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,650 They're out in stores before the movie is finished. 414 00:35:43,775 --> 00:35:45,985 - Nah! - Here it is, sir. 415 00:35:46,653 --> 00:35:50,240 - "Spaceballs". - Good work, Corporal. Punch it up. 416 00:35:54,494 --> 00:35:57,580 - Prepare to fast-forward. - Preparing to fast-forward. 417 00:35:57,705 --> 00:36:00,166 - Fast-forward! - Fast-forwarding, sir. 418 00:36:18,643 --> 00:36:23,523 No, no, no, go past this. Past this part. In fact, never play this again. 419 00:36:26,609 --> 00:36:28,653 Try here. Stop. 420 00:36:39,247 --> 00:36:42,542 What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie? 421 00:36:42,667 --> 00:36:47,130 Now. You're looking at now. Everything that happens now is happening now. 422 00:36:47,255 --> 00:36:48,882 - And then? - We passed then. 423 00:36:49,007 --> 00:36:51,259 - When? - Just now. We're at now, now. 424 00:36:51,384 --> 00:36:52,635 - Go back to then. - When? 425 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:53,553 - Now. - Now? 426 00:36:53,678 --> 00:36:55,138 - Now! - I can't. We missed it. 427 00:36:55,263 --> 00:36:57,140 - When? - Just now. 428 00:36:57,265 --> 00:37:00,185 - When will then be now? - Soon. 429 00:37:01,102 --> 00:37:04,147 - How soon? - Sir, we've identified their location. 430 00:37:04,272 --> 00:37:05,732 - Where? - The moon of Vega. 431 00:37:05,857 --> 00:37:08,109 - Prepare for our arrival. - When? 432 00:37:08,234 --> 00:37:11,112 - 1900 hours. - By tomorrow they'll be our prisoners. 433 00:37:11,237 --> 00:37:13,281 Who? 434 00:37:30,507 --> 00:37:34,552 - No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right. - Take it. It's freezing. 435 00:37:34,677 --> 00:37:36,721 If you insist. 436 00:37:44,020 --> 00:37:47,482 - Won't you be cold? - Nah, cold never bothers me. 437 00:37:52,987 --> 00:37:55,782 I can't seem to find Druidia. 438 00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:57,534 It's right there. 439 00:37:57,659 --> 00:38:01,871 - Where? - There. It's that bright blue one. See? 440 00:38:03,331 --> 00:38:06,209 Oh, yeah, but it's so far a... 441 00:38:06,918 --> 00:38:08,837 away. 442 00:38:09,045 --> 00:38:11,297 Don't worry. I'll get you there. 443 00:38:12,340 --> 00:38:14,634 - Which one's yours? - Who knows? 444 00:38:14,759 --> 00:38:18,888 - You don't know where you're from? - No. I was found outside a monastery. 445 00:38:19,013 --> 00:38:22,934 - Monastery? Where? - Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy. 446 00:38:23,643 --> 00:38:26,104 Didn't the monks say who your parents were? 447 00:38:26,229 --> 00:38:28,982 They couldn't. They took a vow of silence. 448 00:38:29,107 --> 00:38:31,776 All I got was this. It was around my neck. 449 00:38:31,901 --> 00:38:33,528 - What is it? - I don't know. 450 00:38:33,653 --> 00:38:38,408 I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. Nobody can tell me what it says. 451 00:38:39,659 --> 00:38:41,911 It's beautiful. 452 00:38:42,537 --> 00:38:44,164 You know, I... 453 00:38:46,916 --> 00:38:48,960 It's beautiful. 454 00:38:52,964 --> 00:38:55,717 So, how come you ran away from your wedding? 455 00:38:56,843 --> 00:39:01,097 Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom. 456 00:39:01,222 --> 00:39:04,100 - Why were you gonna marry him? - Because! 457 00:39:04,225 --> 00:39:07,520 I'm a princess and I have to marry a prince. 458 00:39:07,645 --> 00:39:11,608 Ah! And he doesn't do it for you, huh? 459 00:39:11,733 --> 00:39:14,736 No, he doesn't do it for me. 460 00:39:18,823 --> 00:39:20,867 I really must go back. 461 00:39:22,035 --> 00:39:24,454 I shouldn't have run away. 462 00:39:24,829 --> 00:39:30,460 I realise now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford. 463 00:39:30,585 --> 00:39:32,712 You're probably right. 464 00:39:32,837 --> 00:39:36,674 I know now that I must learn to live without... love. 465 00:39:36,799 --> 00:39:38,426 I guess so. 466 00:39:38,551 --> 00:39:42,430 - Besides, love isn't that important. - Nah, it never was. 467 00:39:42,555 --> 00:39:45,975 I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without... 468 00:39:47,352 --> 00:39:48,978 love. 469 00:39:49,103 --> 00:39:51,189 Sure you could. 470 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,734 Without physical contact. 471 00:39:55,652 --> 00:39:57,195 Yeah. 472 00:39:57,362 --> 00:39:59,739 Without being held. 473 00:39:59,864 --> 00:40:01,699 Yeah. 474 00:40:02,617 --> 00:40:04,869 Or kissed. 475 00:40:11,501 --> 00:40:13,545 Abandon ship! Abandon ship! 476 00:40:13,670 --> 00:40:15,922 Women and mogs first! 477 00:40:16,631 --> 00:40:18,800 We'll have none of that, mister. 478 00:40:18,925 --> 00:40:22,387 - How far did he get? What'd he touch? - Nothing happened. 479 00:40:22,512 --> 00:40:25,723 - What the hell was that noise? - That was my virgin alarm. 480 00:40:25,849 --> 00:40:28,643 It's programmed to go off before you do. 481 00:40:28,768 --> 00:40:32,063 You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex fiend... 482 00:40:32,188 --> 00:40:36,693 All right, let's all just get some sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn. 483 00:40:36,818 --> 00:40:39,696 - Why so early? - Because we're in the middle of a desert, 484 00:40:39,821 --> 00:40:44,200 and we aren't gonna get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead. 485 00:40:48,580 --> 00:40:50,582 Nice dissolve. 486 00:40:59,799 --> 00:41:01,843 Water. Water. 487 00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:04,554 Water. 488 00:41:12,604 --> 00:41:14,647 Oil. Oil. 489 00:41:16,399 --> 00:41:19,486 Room service. Room service. 490 00:41:24,824 --> 00:41:27,076 Chief, that's it. 491 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,581 I can't... I can't go any further. 492 00:41:33,374 --> 00:41:36,586 - I can't go any further. - Come on, Barf, old buddy. 493 00:41:36,711 --> 00:41:38,755 - No! - Just one more dune to go. 494 00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:41,716 No! You said that three dunes ago. 495 00:41:42,675 --> 00:41:44,719 I got no more left. 496 00:41:45,845 --> 00:41:48,139 Oh, waiter. Check, please. 497 00:41:50,934 --> 00:41:52,810 Must go on. 498 00:41:52,936 --> 00:41:54,979 Must go on! 499 00:41:55,813 --> 00:41:57,857 Must go on... 500 00:41:58,858 --> 00:42:00,693 Who am I kidding? 501 00:43:01,171 --> 00:43:03,214 Oh. Thanks, little guy. 502 00:43:04,966 --> 00:43:07,135 Oh, thank you. 503 00:43:09,304 --> 00:43:11,472 Did I miss something? 504 00:43:11,598 --> 00:43:13,850 When did we get to Disneyland? 505 00:43:31,659 --> 00:43:36,080 - I don't see them, Sandurz. - I've sent the troops on ahead, sir. 506 00:43:36,206 --> 00:43:39,083 - Good. Get moving. - Driver, prepare to move out. 507 00:43:39,209 --> 00:43:41,628 What are you preparing? Just go! 508 00:43:41,753 --> 00:43:42,962 - Just go. - Yes, sir. 509 00:43:43,087 --> 00:43:45,131 Sir, shouldn't you sit down? 510 00:44:03,942 --> 00:44:07,695 - What are they saying? - They want us to go with them. 511 00:44:17,539 --> 00:44:21,751 - What is this place? - It looks like the Temple of Doom. 512 00:44:21,876 --> 00:44:24,045 Well, it ain't Temple Beth Israel. 513 00:44:24,379 --> 00:44:27,298 Come on. I think we better follow 'em. 514 00:44:39,060 --> 00:44:41,312 Oh-oh, I think we woke it up. 515 00:44:42,272 --> 00:44:45,483 - Goodbye. Let me know how it turns out. - Come back, Dot! 516 00:44:45,608 --> 00:44:48,736 - Come on, we gotta keep goin'. - We need you. 517 00:44:54,742 --> 00:44:58,288 - What's gonna happen now? - Don't ask. Maybe it won't. 518 00:44:58,413 --> 00:45:01,708 - What if it does? I'm all for leaving! - Barf, no! 519 00:45:01,833 --> 00:45:05,044 I think we get outta here now while the going's good! 520 00:45:05,962 --> 00:45:07,797 Silence! 521 00:45:07,922 --> 00:45:13,553 Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, 522 00:45:13,678 --> 00:45:15,722 Yogurt? 523 00:45:16,097 --> 00:45:17,932 Yogurt? 524 00:45:27,358 --> 00:45:31,821 - You heard of me? - Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of you? 525 00:45:31,946 --> 00:45:33,781 Yogurt, the wise. 526 00:45:33,907 --> 00:45:37,076 - Yogurt, the all-powerful! - Yogurt, the magnificent. 527 00:45:37,535 --> 00:45:41,664 Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt. 528 00:45:41,789 --> 00:45:43,833 - But you're the one... - Yes! 529 00:45:43,958 --> 00:45:47,086 I am the keeper of a greater magic. 530 00:45:47,212 --> 00:45:49,839 A power known throughout the universe 531 00:45:49,964 --> 00:45:51,382 - as the... - Force? 532 00:45:51,508 --> 00:45:54,093 No. The Schwartz. 533 00:45:54,469 --> 00:45:56,513 The Schwartz. 534 00:45:56,679 --> 00:45:58,431 Yes. 535 00:45:58,556 --> 00:46:00,391 The Schwartz. 536 00:46:03,770 --> 00:46:07,982 But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here? 537 00:46:08,107 --> 00:46:11,694 - Merchandising. - Merchandising. What's that? 538 00:46:11,820 --> 00:46:14,197 Merchandising. Come, I'll show you. 539 00:46:14,322 --> 00:46:15,949 Open up the store. 540 00:46:20,954 --> 00:46:23,581 Come! Walk this way! Take a look. 541 00:46:23,706 --> 00:46:27,252 We put the picture's name on everything! 542 00:46:27,377 --> 00:46:30,046 Merchandising! Merchandising! 543 00:46:30,171 --> 00:46:32,841 Where the real money from the movie is made. 544 00:46:32,966 --> 00:46:36,678 "Spaceballs" - The T-shirt. "Spaceballs" - The colouring book. 545 00:46:36,803 --> 00:46:41,182 "Spaceballs" - The lunchbox. "Spaceballs" - The breakfast cereal. 546 00:46:41,307 --> 00:46:43,351 "Spaceballs" - The flame thrower! 547 00:46:44,435 --> 00:46:46,646 The kids love this one. 548 00:46:46,771 --> 00:46:50,316 Last, but not least. "Spaceballs" - The doll. 549 00:46:50,441 --> 00:46:52,318 Me. 550 00:46:52,443 --> 00:46:54,612 May the Schwartz be with you 551 00:46:57,323 --> 00:46:59,159 Adorable. 552 00:47:14,007 --> 00:47:16,384 - President Skroob. - What is it? 553 00:47:16,509 --> 00:47:20,096 I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess. 554 00:47:20,221 --> 00:47:22,515 - Where? - Somewhere in the sands of Vega. 555 00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:26,394 Tell them to comb the desert, do you hear me? Comb the desert! 556 00:47:26,519 --> 00:47:28,563 Yes, sir. 557 00:47:33,610 --> 00:47:35,653 - Sir? - What? 558 00:47:37,155 --> 00:47:40,658 - Are we being too literal? - No, you fool, we're following orders 559 00:47:40,783 --> 00:47:44,078 We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it 560 00:47:44,496 --> 00:47:46,831 Found anything yet? 561 00:47:46,956 --> 00:47:49,000 Nothing yet, sir. 562 00:47:50,585 --> 00:47:52,962 How about you? 563 00:47:53,087 --> 00:47:55,131 Not a thing, sir. 564 00:47:57,759 --> 00:47:59,844 What about you guys? 565 00:47:59,969 --> 00:48:02,013 We ain't found shit! 566 00:48:05,099 --> 00:48:08,770 It's a big mystery. None of the wise men could tell me what it means. 567 00:48:08,895 --> 00:48:13,107 Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? 568 00:48:13,233 --> 00:48:15,276 Here, let me take a look. 569 00:48:24,327 --> 00:48:27,622 - You can read it! - No, I was just clearing my throat. 570 00:48:27,747 --> 00:48:29,791 Here, let me take a... 571 00:48:30,542 --> 00:48:33,086 Ah. Ooh, yes. 572 00:48:33,211 --> 00:48:35,547 Yes, yes, of course! 573 00:48:35,672 --> 00:48:37,298 - You understand it? - Yes. 574 00:48:37,423 --> 00:48:40,093 - What's it say? - I cannot tell you that now. 575 00:48:40,218 --> 00:48:44,973 - It'll be revealed to you at the proper time. - Great. 576 00:48:45,098 --> 00:48:48,351 Don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training. 577 00:48:48,476 --> 00:48:52,063 Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue. 578 00:48:52,188 --> 00:48:57,235 OK, but I still don't understand how I'm gonna lift a big statue with this little ring. 579 00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:01,739 Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz! 580 00:49:01,865 --> 00:49:04,576 Come on, concentrate. Here we go. 581 00:49:06,035 --> 00:49:07,704 Concentrate. 582 00:49:20,717 --> 00:49:23,386 Lone Starr, you're doing it! 583 00:49:23,511 --> 00:49:25,138 You're doing it! 584 00:49:26,014 --> 00:49:28,433 I can't believe it. The Schwartz is working! 585 00:49:28,558 --> 00:49:30,185 Yes! Yes! 586 00:49:30,310 --> 00:49:32,520 Hey, boss, how'd you do that? 587 00:49:37,192 --> 00:49:39,777 Give me the ring. Give me the ring, quick! 588 00:49:40,695 --> 00:49:44,699 Upsee-dahzee, upsee-mahzee, upsy-daisy! 589 00:49:50,830 --> 00:49:52,874 Sorry, Barf. 590 00:49:58,004 --> 00:50:00,048 Keep searching. 591 00:50:01,549 --> 00:50:06,721 - It's no use. We've searched everywhere. - Wait. I feel the presence of 592 00:50:06,846 --> 00:50:08,264 the Schwartz! 593 00:50:08,389 --> 00:50:10,266 - The Schwartz? - Yes. 594 00:50:10,391 --> 00:50:14,479 It's coming from somewhere... down 595 00:50:14,604 --> 00:50:16,439 there! 596 00:50:18,149 --> 00:50:21,236 You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. 597 00:50:21,361 --> 00:50:24,322 And look at this insignia. It's a "Y". 598 00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:27,617 Yogurt! Yogurt! 599 00:50:27,742 --> 00:50:31,412 I hate yogurt! Even with strawberries. 600 00:50:31,538 --> 00:50:34,457 - I'll call for the attack squad. - No, we can't go in. 601 00:50:34,582 --> 00:50:37,252 Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's too powerful. 602 00:50:37,377 --> 00:50:39,963 But, sir, don't you have the Schwartz, too? 603 00:50:40,088 --> 00:50:43,675 He got the upside, I got the downside. Each Schwartz has two sides. 604 00:50:43,800 --> 00:50:46,553 Then how are we gonna go in there and get her? 605 00:50:48,012 --> 00:50:50,473 We will not go in there. 606 00:50:50,598 --> 00:50:53,893 She will come out to us. 607 00:51:05,155 --> 00:51:09,075 Vespa Vespa, my child 608 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:11,035 Where are you? 609 00:51:11,161 --> 00:51:12,579 Daddy? 610 00:51:12,704 --> 00:51:16,749 Vespa, it's your father, King Roland 611 00:51:16,875 --> 00:51:20,003 - Come to me - Daddy? 612 00:51:20,128 --> 00:51:23,047 I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? 613 00:51:23,173 --> 00:51:25,216 Follow my voice 614 00:51:26,426 --> 00:51:28,553 Come to me 615 00:51:29,262 --> 00:51:31,306 Come to me 616 00:51:33,641 --> 00:51:35,351 Vespa, where are you going? 617 00:51:35,476 --> 00:51:38,480 Vespa, come to me. 618 00:51:42,525 --> 00:51:45,361 Daddy! Is it really you? 619 00:51:45,487 --> 00:51:49,449 Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. 620 00:51:50,116 --> 00:51:52,160 Would I lie? 621 00:51:54,204 --> 00:51:55,413 Daddy! 622 00:51:56,456 --> 00:51:58,291 No, Vespa, don't! 623 00:51:59,501 --> 00:52:00,919 No. 624 00:52:01,586 --> 00:52:03,630 Fooled you. 625 00:52:06,674 --> 00:52:10,845 Take them both aboard and put the princess in my quarters. 626 00:52:10,970 --> 00:52:13,014 Now she is mine. 627 00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:16,935 - What are they saying? - They've taken the princess! 628 00:52:26,402 --> 00:52:28,238 Spaceballs. Too late. 629 00:52:28,571 --> 00:52:31,032 Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back. 630 00:52:31,658 --> 00:52:33,493 Yeah. 631 00:52:34,786 --> 00:52:37,288 - Thanks for the gas, Yogurt. - You're welcome. 632 00:52:37,413 --> 00:52:40,917 And here. Just in case you get hungry. 633 00:52:41,751 --> 00:52:43,586 - A fortune cookie? - Yes. 634 00:52:43,711 --> 00:52:47,674 Remember: Open it before you eat it. 635 00:52:47,799 --> 00:52:50,134 Thanks. Well, we better get going. 636 00:52:50,260 --> 00:52:52,887 I wonder... Will we ever see each other again? 637 00:52:53,012 --> 00:52:57,100 Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in "Spaceballs II: 638 00:52:57,225 --> 00:52:59,269 The Search for More Money". 639 00:53:00,061 --> 00:53:02,939 - Goodbye, Lone Starr. - Goodbye, Yogurt. 640 00:53:04,274 --> 00:53:06,651 The ring of the Schwartz! 641 00:53:06,776 --> 00:53:10,155 - No, no, I can't take this. - Take it, take it. 642 00:53:10,446 --> 00:53:13,783 - You might need it. - Thanks. 643 00:53:13,908 --> 00:53:15,952 I'll never forget you. 644 00:53:16,953 --> 00:53:18,788 Wish me luck. 645 00:53:41,436 --> 00:53:46,858 So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches 646 00:53:46,983 --> 00:53:50,778 to have my way with you the way I want to. 647 00:53:50,904 --> 00:53:54,949 No! No! Please, leave me alone. No, you are mine. 648 00:53:55,074 --> 00:53:57,952 Not so fast, Helmet. Lone Starr! 649 00:53:58,077 --> 00:54:01,831 Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. 650 00:54:01,956 --> 00:54:04,334 Now you are going to die. Psst! 651 00:54:04,459 --> 00:54:06,711 Oh, oh! Oh! 652 00:54:06,836 --> 00:54:11,508 What'd you do to him? The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. Oh! 653 00:54:11,633 --> 00:54:13,801 And you, too. Oh! Argh! 654 00:54:13,927 --> 00:54:17,889 Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. 655 00:54:18,014 --> 00:54:20,850 Oh, no, I hate you. Leave me alone. 656 00:54:20,975 --> 00:54:25,230 Yet I find you strangely attractive. Of course you do. 657 00:54:25,355 --> 00:54:29,317 Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power. 658 00:54:29,442 --> 00:54:32,403 And I have both. And you know it. 659 00:54:32,529 --> 00:54:36,574 Oh, leave me alone. No, kiss me! No! No! Yes! No! 660 00:54:36,699 --> 00:54:38,743 No! Yes! No! Yes! 661 00:54:42,163 --> 00:54:45,416 Oh, your helmet is so big. 662 00:54:45,959 --> 00:54:47,585 - Lord Helmet. - What? 663 00:54:47,710 --> 00:54:51,339 - You're needed on the bridge, sir. - Knock on my door! Knock next time! 664 00:54:51,464 --> 00:54:53,508 - Yes, sir. - Did you see anything? 665 00:54:53,633 --> 00:54:55,969 No, I didn't see you playing with your dolls. 666 00:54:56,094 --> 00:54:57,929 Good. 667 00:55:16,072 --> 00:55:17,699 President Skroob. 668 00:55:17,824 --> 00:55:21,578 I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall. 669 00:55:21,703 --> 00:55:25,790 Sorry, sir, but it's very important. The princess is in your office 670 00:55:25,915 --> 00:55:28,251 and Lord Helmet is awaiting you there. 671 00:55:28,376 --> 00:55:32,380 - All right, all right. I'll be right there. - Yes, sir. 672 00:55:44,058 --> 00:55:48,438 Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter? 673 00:55:48,563 --> 00:55:52,317 Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon, 674 00:55:52,442 --> 00:55:54,277 Dr Phillip Schlotkin. 675 00:55:54,402 --> 00:55:59,282 The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills. 676 00:55:59,407 --> 00:56:02,827 - Your Highness. - Nose job? She's already had a nose job. 677 00:56:02,952 --> 00:56:04,996 It was her Sweet-16 present. 678 00:56:05,121 --> 00:56:08,708 No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. 679 00:56:08,833 --> 00:56:12,420 If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, 680 00:56:12,545 --> 00:56:15,465 Dr Schlotkin will give your daughter back 681 00:56:15,590 --> 00:56:17,759 her old nose! 682 00:56:17,884 --> 00:56:20,970 No! 683 00:56:22,388 --> 00:56:26,559 - Where did you get that? - All right, I'll tell. I'll tell. 684 00:56:26,684 --> 00:56:30,313 - No, Daddy, no! You mustn't. - You're right, my dear. 685 00:56:30,438 --> 00:56:34,734 I'll miss your new nose, but I will not tell him the combination, no matter what. 686 00:56:35,276 --> 00:56:39,155 Very well. Dr Schlotkin, do your worst. 687 00:56:39,280 --> 00:56:41,324 My pleasure. 688 00:56:44,327 --> 00:56:46,371 No! Wait! Wait! 689 00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:49,666 I'll tell. I'll tell. 690 00:56:50,083 --> 00:56:52,210 I knew it would work. 691 00:56:52,335 --> 00:56:54,587 All right. Give it to me. 692 00:56:55,713 --> 00:56:57,757 The combination is 693 00:56:59,342 --> 00:57:00,134 one. 694 00:57:00,260 --> 00:57:01,594 - One. - One. 695 00:57:01,719 --> 00:57:02,554 Two. 696 00:57:02,679 --> 00:57:03,805 - Two. - Two. 697 00:57:03,930 --> 00:57:04,639 Three. 698 00:57:04,764 --> 00:57:05,890 - Three. - Three. 699 00:57:06,015 --> 00:57:06,724 Four. 700 00:57:06,850 --> 00:57:08,142 - Four. - Four. 701 00:57:09,310 --> 00:57:10,103 Five. 702 00:57:10,228 --> 00:57:11,688 - Five. - Five. 703 00:57:12,272 --> 00:57:17,152 So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. 704 00:57:17,777 --> 00:57:20,613 That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life! 705 00:57:20,738 --> 00:57:22,991 That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage. 706 00:57:23,116 --> 00:57:24,993 Thank you, Your Highness. 707 00:57:25,368 --> 00:57:27,912 - What did you do? - I turned off the wall. 708 00:57:28,037 --> 00:57:30,456 - No you didn't, you turned off the hole movie. - I must have pressed the wrong button. 709 00:57:30,582 --> 00:57:32,959 - Well, put it back up! - Yes, sir! 710 00:57:33,585 --> 00:57:37,463 You gotta get that thing fixed! We're back, and we have the combination. 711 00:57:37,589 --> 00:57:39,632 - Schlotkin! - What? 712 00:57:39,757 --> 00:57:43,094 We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putts. 713 00:57:43,553 --> 00:57:48,433 Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen. Of course I'll still have to bill you for this. 714 00:57:51,811 --> 00:57:54,689 Oh! I bet she gives great helmet. 715 00:57:57,609 --> 00:58:00,820 - Did it work? - Yes, sir. We have the combination. 716 00:58:00,945 --> 00:58:05,783 Great! Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. 717 00:58:05,909 --> 00:58:08,995 - What's the combination? - One, two, three, four, five. 718 00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:11,164 - One, two, three, four, five? - Yes. 719 00:58:11,289 --> 00:58:15,043 That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage. 720 00:58:15,168 --> 00:58:18,963 - Prepare Spaceball One for departure. - Yes, sir. 721 00:58:19,088 --> 00:58:21,758 And change the combination on my luggage. 722 00:58:28,556 --> 00:58:31,476 There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead. 723 00:58:31,601 --> 00:58:33,645 Good. I'm taking her in. 724 00:58:36,606 --> 00:58:38,858 What the hell is that thing? 725 00:58:39,275 --> 00:58:42,237 Looks like a Winnebago with wings. Jeez. 726 00:58:42,362 --> 00:58:44,906 Hey, you can't park here! 727 00:58:45,031 --> 00:58:48,034 Yeah. Can't you guys read? "No Parking". 728 00:58:52,664 --> 00:58:54,707 That son of a... 729 00:58:57,710 --> 00:59:02,090 All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking. 730 00:59:02,215 --> 00:59:04,050 Yeah! 731 00:59:26,322 --> 00:59:30,910 Warden Miller Warden Miller You're wanted in V17 732 00:59:31,035 --> 00:59:35,790 Attention, attention Section C scanners, report 733 00:59:36,583 --> 00:59:38,001 Nah. 734 00:59:42,005 --> 00:59:45,758 - She's gotta be in one of these cells. - Yeah, but which one? 735 00:59:47,427 --> 00:59:48,970 - No. - No. 736 00:59:52,265 --> 00:59:54,726 - It's coming from here. - That can't be her. 737 01:00:04,736 --> 01:00:06,571 It's her! 738 01:00:14,496 --> 01:00:16,539 She's a bass! 739 01:00:25,298 --> 01:00:27,967 - What do you want? - It's me! 740 01:00:28,885 --> 01:00:31,471 - It's us! - Lone Starr! 741 01:00:31,596 --> 01:00:34,974 - How did you find us? - No time to talk. Come on. 742 01:00:35,099 --> 01:00:37,602 - We gotta move. - Barf, how'd you do it? 743 01:00:40,313 --> 01:00:42,357 Come on. 744 01:00:58,206 --> 01:01:01,417 Hey, those are the guys that stole our uniforms! 745 01:01:01,543 --> 01:01:03,795 And beat the shit out of us, too! 746 01:01:08,508 --> 01:01:10,552 Uh-oh, we got company! 747 01:01:15,098 --> 01:01:16,891 Watch out! 748 01:01:19,352 --> 01:01:21,396 Dammit! That's our only way out. 749 01:01:21,521 --> 01:01:23,773 - We're trapped! - I hate these movies. 750 01:01:26,734 --> 01:01:30,321 - Oh. I'm out of ammo! - Get back! I'll hold 'em off! 751 01:01:32,073 --> 01:01:33,908 I got an idea! 752 01:01:34,033 --> 01:01:36,244 - What are you doing? - What's he doing? 753 01:01:49,549 --> 01:01:52,343 Good work. Uh-oh, more ping pongs! Run for it. 754 01:01:52,468 --> 01:01:54,554 Let's go! 755 01:01:57,765 --> 01:01:59,809 It's closing! 756 01:02:01,269 --> 01:02:04,481 - The door's closing! - Go for broke! 757 01:02:12,906 --> 01:02:15,283 Don't move, or you're dead. Stand up! 758 01:02:15,617 --> 01:02:17,660 Captain, we've got them. 759 01:02:21,372 --> 01:02:24,209 Spectacular stunt, my friends. 760 01:02:24,334 --> 01:02:26,377 But all for naught. 761 01:02:26,503 --> 01:02:28,546 Turn around, please. 762 01:02:28,922 --> 01:02:30,965 Ah, what a pity. 763 01:02:31,257 --> 01:02:33,301 What a pity. 764 01:02:33,468 --> 01:02:37,972 So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious force of... 765 01:02:41,184 --> 01:02:44,354 You idiots! These are not them! 766 01:02:44,479 --> 01:02:47,148 You've captured their stunt doubles! 767 01:02:47,607 --> 01:02:50,860 Search the area. Find them! 768 01:02:50,985 --> 01:02:53,154 Find them! 769 01:02:59,577 --> 01:03:02,038 - Open the door! - I can't. It's fused. 770 01:03:02,163 --> 01:03:03,873 - And this one? - It's locked. 771 01:03:03,998 --> 01:03:05,708 - The keys? - Inside. 772 01:03:05,834 --> 01:03:08,086 - Oh, great! - Duck! 773 01:03:10,755 --> 01:03:15,552 - Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door. - I'm not shooting this thing. I hate guns. 774 01:03:18,179 --> 01:03:21,057 My hair! He shot my hair. 775 01:03:22,225 --> 01:03:24,269 Son of a bitch! 776 01:03:34,821 --> 01:03:36,865 Holy shit! 777 01:03:41,536 --> 01:03:44,539 - How was that? - Not bad. 778 01:03:44,664 --> 01:03:48,376 - Not bad... for a girl. - Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo. 779 01:03:48,501 --> 01:03:50,670 Let's blow this joint. 780 01:04:02,182 --> 01:04:04,350 President Skroob! 781 01:04:04,476 --> 01:04:07,145 - Salute! - Hail, Skroob! 782 01:04:08,730 --> 01:04:11,483 The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie'll be over. 783 01:04:11,608 --> 01:04:13,902 - Sir. - Yes? Ooh! 784 01:04:14,027 --> 01:04:16,946 Never have that damn thing down in front of me! 785 01:04:17,071 --> 01:04:19,949 How do I know you're not making faces at me under that? 786 01:04:20,074 --> 01:04:23,411 President Skroob. There it is. Planet Druidia. 787 01:04:23,703 --> 01:04:25,747 Ah, Planet Druidia. 788 01:04:25,872 --> 01:04:28,625 And 10,000 years of fresh air. 789 01:04:28,750 --> 01:04:31,753 - Way he runs things, it won't last 100. - What? 790 01:04:31,878 --> 01:04:35,757 - Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir. - Good. Get on with it. 791 01:04:35,882 --> 01:04:37,926 Ready, Kafka? 792 01:04:44,098 --> 01:04:46,351 Look, it's Spaceball One. 793 01:04:47,560 --> 01:04:51,898 - They've reached the air shield - And it's opening 794 01:04:54,484 --> 01:04:56,528 The ship's too big 795 01:04:56,653 --> 01:04:59,656 How they gonna get the air out? I don't see any hoses. 796 01:05:05,036 --> 01:05:07,080 What's happening? 797 01:05:09,666 --> 01:05:12,210 The ship... is changing. 798 01:05:26,182 --> 01:05:28,226 Oh, my gosh. 799 01:05:28,351 --> 01:05:30,645 It's not just a spaceship. 800 01:05:30,770 --> 01:05:32,814 It's a Transformer! 801 01:05:43,158 --> 01:05:47,120 - It's changing into - A gigantic 802 01:05:47,245 --> 01:05:51,791 - Maid? - With a vacuum cleaner 803 01:05:51,916 --> 01:05:55,128 So that's how they're gonna get the air out 804 01:06:16,107 --> 01:06:18,151 Metamorphosis completed, sir. 805 01:06:18,276 --> 01:06:20,570 Spaceball One has now become 806 01:06:24,866 --> 01:06:26,284 Megamaid. 807 01:06:26,659 --> 01:06:29,120 - Good. - Remarkable. 808 01:06:29,245 --> 01:06:31,748 Now, commence Operation 809 01:06:31,873 --> 01:06:33,500 Vacu-Suck! 810 01:06:40,048 --> 01:06:43,301 Suck. Suck. Suck! 811 01:06:57,023 --> 01:06:59,484 Goodbye, little Vespa. 812 01:07:00,109 --> 01:07:03,696 My... little... 813 01:07:03,822 --> 01:07:06,115 baby... Vespa. 814 01:07:13,206 --> 01:07:16,125 - The air bag, it's almost full! - What'll we do? 815 01:07:19,963 --> 01:07:22,966 We've gotta act fast. Step one: We reverse the vacuum 816 01:07:23,091 --> 01:07:25,176 and blow the air back on to the planet. 817 01:07:25,301 --> 01:07:28,805 Step two: We destroy that thing. 818 01:07:28,930 --> 01:07:32,767 - But isn't that dangerous? - Extremely. Plus, 819 01:07:33,685 --> 01:07:36,729 I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it. 820 01:07:36,855 --> 01:07:40,191 - What about that ring Yogurt gave you? - Oh, yeah. 821 01:07:40,316 --> 01:07:42,902 - But... - Come on, boss. Give it a shot. 822 01:07:43,027 --> 01:07:45,488 OK. Here goes nothing. 823 01:07:54,956 --> 01:07:57,208 - Look at that - Wow! 824 01:07:57,959 --> 01:08:00,086 It's It's working! 825 01:08:01,588 --> 01:08:03,423 Come on, Schwartz. 826 01:08:03,548 --> 01:08:07,468 Come on, Schwartz. Come on, Schwartz! 827 01:08:12,432 --> 01:08:15,643 - Helmet, what's going on? - Sandurz, what's going on? 828 01:08:15,768 --> 01:08:17,604 It's Megamaid. 829 01:08:17,729 --> 01:08:19,856 She's gone from suck to blow. 830 01:08:19,981 --> 01:08:22,150 What? They're getting their air back. 831 01:08:22,275 --> 01:08:24,319 - Do something. - Do something. 832 01:08:24,611 --> 01:08:26,029 Do something! 833 01:08:42,086 --> 01:08:44,130 I'm breathing. 834 01:08:44,797 --> 01:08:46,633 Air. 835 01:08:48,092 --> 01:08:49,719 Air! 836 01:08:57,769 --> 01:09:00,104 - Dim the lights. - Dimming the lights. 837 01:09:00,980 --> 01:09:03,566 - Go to infrared. - Going to infrared. 838 01:09:03,691 --> 01:09:05,819 - Pray to God. - Praying to God. 839 01:09:15,161 --> 01:09:17,872 Careful. Careful. 840 01:09:24,671 --> 01:09:26,506 What are you doing? 841 01:09:26,631 --> 01:09:28,675 Scanning. 842 01:09:34,848 --> 01:09:38,893 There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism in the central brain area. 843 01:09:43,481 --> 01:09:46,234 - I think we just found it. - Where? 844 01:09:46,359 --> 01:09:48,403 Watch. 845 01:09:52,282 --> 01:09:55,243 Bingo! There it is. 846 01:09:55,869 --> 01:09:58,121 It's right below us. 847 01:09:58,246 --> 01:10:01,666 - Put her in hover, Barf. - Putting her in hover. 848 01:10:02,250 --> 01:10:05,253 - I'm going down there. - He's going down there. 849 01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:07,964 I wouldn't. 850 01:10:49,255 --> 01:10:51,299 What the hell are you doing? 851 01:10:52,300 --> 01:10:54,761 The... Vulcan neck pinch? 852 01:10:54,886 --> 01:10:57,514 No, no, no, stupid. You got it much too high. 853 01:10:57,639 --> 01:11:00,475 It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck. 854 01:11:00,600 --> 01:11:03,269 - Like this? - Yeah! 855 01:11:05,897 --> 01:11:07,941 Thanks. 856 01:11:12,654 --> 01:11:15,573 Handprint identification, please. 857 01:11:15,698 --> 01:11:18,368 Handprint identification, please. 858 01:11:18,785 --> 01:11:21,162 Handprint identification, please. 859 01:11:21,788 --> 01:11:23,623 Handprint. 860 01:11:25,834 --> 01:11:27,460 Thanks again. 861 01:11:35,385 --> 01:11:37,637 Is that you, Mylar? 862 01:11:47,897 --> 01:11:49,983 Who are you? What are you doing? 863 01:11:50,108 --> 01:11:51,943 This. 864 01:11:56,698 --> 01:11:58,533 Sweet dreams. 865 01:12:15,884 --> 01:12:18,636 Not so fast, Lone Starr. 866 01:12:18,761 --> 01:12:20,180 Helmet! 867 01:12:20,305 --> 01:12:24,851 So, at last we meet for the first time, for the last time. 868 01:12:27,479 --> 01:12:31,774 Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. 869 01:12:32,525 --> 01:12:33,943 What? 870 01:12:34,360 --> 01:12:40,158 I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. 871 01:12:42,619 --> 01:12:46,247 - What's that make us? - Absolutely nothing! 872 01:12:46,789 --> 01:12:49,709 Which is what you are about to become. 873 01:12:50,585 --> 01:12:52,629 Prepare to die. 874 01:13:00,011 --> 01:13:01,846 You have the ring. 875 01:13:01,971 --> 01:13:05,058 And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. 876 01:13:07,101 --> 01:13:10,522 Now let's see how well you handle it. 877 01:13:33,002 --> 01:13:35,255 Um... He did it. 878 01:13:35,755 --> 01:13:37,799 What? 879 01:13:53,648 --> 01:13:57,235 Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted. 880 01:13:57,819 --> 01:14:00,905 OK, maybe if I put my leg up on yours, 881 01:14:01,030 --> 01:14:03,074 we could split apart like... 882 01:14:03,199 --> 01:14:05,493 Good, yeah. One, two, three, go! 883 01:14:48,244 --> 01:14:52,165 So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well. 884 01:14:53,416 --> 01:14:57,128 If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. 885 01:14:57,253 --> 01:15:01,424 But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. 886 01:15:02,258 --> 01:15:04,302 Put 'er there. 887 01:15:07,430 --> 01:15:11,976 The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! 888 01:15:12,101 --> 01:15:16,481 What a goof! What's with you, man? Come on! 889 01:15:16,606 --> 01:15:18,942 You know what? Let me give it back to you. Oh! 890 01:15:19,067 --> 01:15:23,363 Oh, look at that. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it, man. 891 01:15:25,657 --> 01:15:30,537 So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph 892 01:15:30,662 --> 01:15:32,914 because good is dumb. 893 01:15:42,507 --> 01:15:47,887 Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports. 894 01:15:48,847 --> 01:15:52,142 Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr Use the Schwartz 895 01:15:52,267 --> 01:15:54,352 I can't. I lost the ring. 896 01:15:54,477 --> 01:15:57,355 Forget the ring The ring is bupkis 897 01:15:57,480 --> 01:16:00,150 I found it in a Cracker Jack box 898 01:16:00,275 --> 01:16:03,987 The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr It's in you! 899 01:16:04,112 --> 01:16:06,239 All right. I'll try. 900 01:16:06,364 --> 01:16:09,367 Say goodbye to your two best friends. 901 01:16:09,492 --> 01:16:12,287 And I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago. 902 01:16:21,379 --> 01:16:24,048 Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button 903 01:16:24,174 --> 01:16:27,260 This ship will self-destruct in three minutes 904 01:16:31,890 --> 01:16:35,435 What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris? 905 01:16:35,560 --> 01:16:37,395 Thank you for pressing the button 906 01:16:37,520 --> 01:16:42,525 This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds 907 01:16:42,650 --> 01:16:44,819 Stop it. Is there any way to stop it? 908 01:16:44,944 --> 01:16:47,071 I can't. It's irreversible. 909 01:16:47,197 --> 01:16:48,823 Like my raincoat. 910 01:16:48,948 --> 01:16:52,660 Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship! 911 01:16:52,785 --> 01:16:55,997 Abandon ship! All personnel proceed to escape pods. 912 01:16:56,456 --> 01:16:59,167 Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. 913 01:16:59,292 --> 01:17:03,755 The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship. 914 01:17:04,088 --> 01:17:06,382 Sandurz! Sandurz, you gotta help me. 915 01:17:06,508 --> 01:17:10,470 I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president! 916 01:17:10,595 --> 01:17:15,391 This is your two-minute warning This ship will self-destruct in two minutes 917 01:17:15,517 --> 01:17:18,603 Launch all escape pods once they are filled. 918 01:17:18,728 --> 01:17:20,647 What's happening? Where is he? 919 01:17:27,403 --> 01:17:29,239 - Where is he? - Here. 920 01:17:29,364 --> 01:17:32,408 We got a minute and 40 before the end of the world. Hang on! 921 01:17:36,579 --> 01:17:37,789 Full throttle. 922 01:17:37,914 --> 01:17:40,250 - Go to hyper jets. - Going to hyper jets. 923 01:17:45,755 --> 01:17:48,967 - Hey, where do you think you're going? - Pizza to go! 924 01:18:11,030 --> 01:18:13,533 Hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you? 925 01:18:13,658 --> 01:18:16,744 I'm the bearded lady. What are you, one of the freaks? 926 01:18:19,455 --> 01:18:22,333 Hey, come back! That's my pod! No! 927 01:18:25,920 --> 01:18:28,840 Come back, you fat, bearded bitch! 928 01:18:29,716 --> 01:18:31,342 One pod left. 929 01:18:31,468 --> 01:18:34,137 And three of us. And I'm the president. 930 01:18:34,262 --> 01:18:38,725 Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it. 931 01:18:39,100 --> 01:18:41,144 Goodbye. 932 01:18:43,938 --> 01:18:45,982 What's the matter with this belt? 933 01:18:55,450 --> 01:18:58,036 This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds. 934 01:18:58,161 --> 01:19:01,080 It's your last chance to push the cancellation button. 935 01:19:01,206 --> 01:19:03,458 Cancellation button? Hurry! 936 01:19:11,257 --> 01:19:14,052 - Where is it? Where is it? - It's gotta be here. 937 01:19:14,177 --> 01:19:17,639 - Out of order. - Fuck! Even in the future nothing works. 938 01:19:17,764 --> 01:19:20,975 This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds. 939 01:19:22,060 --> 01:19:23,686 Counting down. 940 01:19:23,812 --> 01:19:26,981 Ten, nine, eight, six... 941 01:19:28,024 --> 01:19:30,068 Six? What happened to seven? 942 01:19:30,193 --> 01:19:32,028 Just kidding. 943 01:19:32,320 --> 01:19:34,364 There's the other end. Faster! 944 01:19:34,489 --> 01:19:40,620 Six, five, four, three, two, one. 945 01:19:41,120 --> 01:19:43,790 - Have a nice day - Thank you. 946 01:19:54,759 --> 01:19:56,594 We did it! 947 01:20:03,184 --> 01:20:05,228 We all did it. 948 01:20:24,080 --> 01:20:28,459 So I guess you might call that a case of man bites droid? 949 01:20:31,212 --> 01:20:34,090 On a sadder note, Pizza The Hutt... 950 01:20:34,215 --> 01:20:36,968 famed half-man, half-pizza... 951 01:20:37,093 --> 01:20:41,431 was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretch limo. 952 01:20:41,639 --> 01:20:47,854 Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death. 953 01:20:48,313 --> 01:20:51,941 Coming up: Pongo's review of "Rocky V" 954 01:20:52,066 --> 01:20:54,527 Thousand' Pongo? 955 01:20:56,029 --> 01:20:58,448 Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket. 956 01:20:58,573 --> 01:21:02,952 Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves. 957 01:21:03,119 --> 01:21:04,954 Yeah. 958 01:21:22,514 --> 01:21:25,600 - Daddy! Oh, Daddy! - Oh, Vespa, my darling. 959 01:21:25,725 --> 01:21:29,562 I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. 960 01:21:29,687 --> 01:21:31,940 I'm so happy that you're home and safe. 961 01:21:32,607 --> 01:21:36,611 And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you. 962 01:21:39,280 --> 01:21:41,491 Oh, hello. 963 01:21:41,616 --> 01:21:43,868 Where have you been? 964 01:21:58,550 --> 01:22:00,593 Thanks, hon. 965 01:22:12,147 --> 01:22:13,982 Hiya, big stuff. 966 01:22:14,107 --> 01:22:15,525 Hi, dream. 967 01:22:16,109 --> 01:22:19,863 - What'll you have? - We're just gassing up, so what's ready? 968 01:22:19,988 --> 01:22:22,323 I got the space soup or the space special. 969 01:22:22,448 --> 01:22:25,535 - Um, I'll have the soup. - OK. 970 01:22:25,743 --> 01:22:28,329 I'll have the cleavage. Uh, the special. 971 01:22:29,539 --> 01:22:32,834 OK, one special and one soup. 972 01:22:36,045 --> 01:22:39,424 - Ready to order? - Hi. Yes, we'll both have the lunafish. 973 01:22:39,549 --> 01:22:42,969 Anything to drink? Hey, watch where you stick that thing! 974 01:22:43,094 --> 01:22:47,891 Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. 975 01:22:52,854 --> 01:22:54,731 - Jeez! - What? 976 01:22:54,856 --> 01:22:58,234 No, we were lost. None of us knew where we were. 977 01:22:58,359 --> 01:23:03,072 And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees. 978 01:23:03,198 --> 01:23:06,576 Then he said "I got it. We on Pluto". 979 01:23:06,701 --> 01:23:11,414 And we said "Harry, how can you tell?" He said "From the bark, you dummy!" 980 01:23:11,539 --> 01:23:13,583 From the bark! 981 01:23:17,045 --> 01:23:18,880 Is he all right? 982 01:23:21,174 --> 01:23:23,843 - Hey, what's wrong with this guy? - I don't know! 983 01:23:27,263 --> 01:23:29,724 - Bring him some water! - Water, my ass! 984 01:23:29,849 --> 01:23:32,143 Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol! 985 01:23:32,811 --> 01:23:35,814 Waitress! Waitress! What did he order? 986 01:23:35,939 --> 01:23:39,025 - Oh, he had the special. - The spe... That's my order! 987 01:23:39,150 --> 01:23:42,028 - Change my order to the soup. - Good move. 988 01:23:50,328 --> 01:23:52,372 Oh, no. 989 01:23:52,497 --> 01:23:54,541 Not again. 990 01:24:26,739 --> 01:24:28,992 Check, please. 991 01:24:38,960 --> 01:24:41,504 Five minutes to magic time. 992 01:24:41,629 --> 01:24:44,757 Are you all right, my dear? You look a little... flighty. 993 01:24:44,883 --> 01:24:48,428 Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. 994 01:24:48,803 --> 01:24:53,808 Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million bucks and ran. 995 01:24:54,350 --> 01:24:56,644 He didn't take the million. 996 01:24:56,769 --> 01:24:58,605 - He didn't? - No. 997 01:24:59,105 --> 01:25:02,942 He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas and tolls. 998 01:25:13,536 --> 01:25:19,042 I can't believe you refused the money. But we could've stayed for food. I'm starving. 999 01:25:19,167 --> 01:25:21,461 - Have you got anything to eat? - Nah. 1000 01:25:22,378 --> 01:25:25,840 Oh, wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. 1001 01:25:25,965 --> 01:25:28,009 - Here, chow down. - Wow, thanks. 1002 01:25:28,134 --> 01:25:29,969 - I'll split it. - No. 1003 01:25:30,094 --> 01:25:31,930 OK. 1004 01:25:35,016 --> 01:25:37,393 - Yogurt! - Hello, boys. 1005 01:25:37,519 --> 01:25:41,064 Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. 1006 01:25:41,189 --> 01:25:45,026 Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear, 1007 01:25:45,151 --> 01:25:48,321 but you don't know what it means? Here's what it means. 1008 01:25:48,655 --> 01:25:51,574 It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! 1009 01:25:51,699 --> 01:25:55,119 Your father was a king, your mother was a queen, 1010 01:25:55,245 --> 01:25:58,915 which makes you a certified prince. 1011 01:25:59,165 --> 01:26:01,543 Hey, I'm a prince. 1012 01:26:01,668 --> 01:26:03,837 I'm a prince! Which means... 1013 01:26:03,962 --> 01:26:08,133 Which means if you hurry there could be a princess in your future. 1014 01:26:08,258 --> 01:26:11,052 If you wanna stop her marrying Sleeping Beauty, 1015 01:26:11,177 --> 01:26:14,472 there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. 1016 01:26:14,597 --> 01:26:16,641 - Good luck, boys. - Bye, Yogurt. 1017 01:26:16,766 --> 01:26:18,601 And, Yogurt... 1018 01:26:18,726 --> 01:26:20,979 thanks. - You're welcome. 1019 01:26:21,104 --> 01:26:27,318 And may the Schwartz be with youuuuu! 1020 01:26:28,111 --> 01:26:30,155 Oh, what a world. 1021 01:26:30,280 --> 01:26:34,325 - Barf, open that glove compartment. - You got it... Your Highness. 1022 01:26:37,704 --> 01:26:40,415 Wow! Liquid Schwartz! 1023 01:26:40,540 --> 01:26:42,876 - Quick, pour it in the tank. - Right. 1024 01:26:47,130 --> 01:26:49,174 Look at that! 1025 01:26:50,216 --> 01:26:52,135 - Done. - Hang on, Barfo, 1026 01:26:52,260 --> 01:26:54,846 we're gonna make space tracks. 1027 01:27:47,065 --> 01:27:50,693 Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose? 1028 01:27:51,986 --> 01:27:54,030 Hey, hey, watch my helmet. 1029 01:27:57,242 --> 01:27:59,077 Spaceballs! 1030 01:27:59,369 --> 01:28:02,455 Oh, shit. There goes the planet. 1031 01:28:05,375 --> 01:28:09,712 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together... 1032 01:28:10,338 --> 01:28:11,756 again. 1033 01:28:11,881 --> 01:28:15,385 - You didn't say he refused the money. - It wasn't important. 1034 01:28:15,969 --> 01:28:20,056 - May I continue, please? - Besides, he asked me not to tell you. 1035 01:28:20,765 --> 01:28:22,600 Thank you. 1036 01:28:22,725 --> 01:28:28,022 To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium... 1037 01:28:28,982 --> 01:28:31,359 I'm sorry, it's the hair. 1038 01:28:31,484 --> 01:28:33,319 Prince Valium 1039 01:28:33,444 --> 01:28:35,864 in the bonds of holy matrimony. 1040 01:28:35,989 --> 01:28:39,033 I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me? 1041 01:28:39,409 --> 01:28:43,580 I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. Quiet. 1042 01:28:43,705 --> 01:28:45,331 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 1043 01:28:45,456 --> 01:28:48,084 - I'm sorry, too. - Don't be sorry, be quiet. 1044 01:28:48,209 --> 01:28:50,461 I'm sorry! 1045 01:28:52,505 --> 01:28:59,429 To join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy... 1046 01:28:59,554 --> 01:29:00,763 moly! 1047 01:29:05,477 --> 01:29:07,395 Uh... matrimony. 1048 01:29:07,520 --> 01:29:09,981 That's him. I know it's him. He's come back! 1049 01:29:10,106 --> 01:29:13,151 That's it. No more chances. We're doing the short version. 1050 01:29:13,276 --> 01:29:16,488 Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your wife? 1051 01:29:16,613 --> 01:29:17,822 Uh-huh. 1052 01:29:17,947 --> 01:29:22,202 - Do you take Valium to be your husband? - Uh... well, I... 1053 01:29:22,327 --> 01:29:25,371 I suppose. Well, oh, I don't know. 1054 01:29:25,497 --> 01:29:27,749 - No! She doesn't. - What? 1055 01:29:33,171 --> 01:29:36,508 - Who the hell are you? - Prince Lone Starr. 1056 01:29:37,133 --> 01:29:39,302 - Prince? - I just found out. 1057 01:29:39,677 --> 01:29:43,139 That's what this says. I'm an honest-to-God prince. 1058 01:29:43,264 --> 01:29:44,891 Will you marry me? 1059 01:29:45,433 --> 01:29:47,477 Well, let me think about it. 1060 01:29:48,937 --> 01:29:50,355 Yes! 1061 01:29:50,480 --> 01:29:54,526 I'm sick of this. I don't care who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. 1062 01:29:54,651 --> 01:29:57,654 - Who are you? - I'm the best man, Barf. 1063 01:29:57,779 --> 01:30:00,114 - Full name? - Barfolomew. 1064 01:30:00,490 --> 01:30:02,534 - Are you getting married? - No. 1065 01:30:02,659 --> 01:30:04,285 Then get over there! 1066 01:30:04,619 --> 01:30:08,039 OK, here we go. The short, short version. 1067 01:30:08,164 --> 01:30:09,999 - Do you? - Yes. 1068 01:30:10,124 --> 01:30:11,334 - Do you? - Yes. 1069 01:30:11,459 --> 01:30:14,128 Good. You're married. Kiss her! 1070 01:30:14,254 --> 01:30:16,923 - I love you. - I love you. 1071 01:30:28,143 --> 01:30:30,895 Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm. 1072 01:30:31,305 --> 01:30:37,595 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www. OpenSubtitles. org